The Tonight Show: Starring Preston and Andrea : January 2015

Well this whole nicu experience has been pretty darn crazy and one that I honestly did not expect to happen.

This one makes me so sad. This is him in phototherapy and also having a little test done, hence the bag catching his pee.. poor poor little guy.

Such a cutie

The only one I really have of him in the full incubator. the other ones are just of him inside. Anyways, now you have an idea.

Preston had to go back up to school on the sunday after thanksgiving, and I stayed here with carter. It was quite the challenge for both of us. I had emailed my teachers about the situation pleading with them to spare my life and give me a chance and passing the semester. (don't worry, it was very professionally written.) They were all really helpful and allowed preston to pick up tests and things and bring them for me on the weekends. I would get everything done so he could take it back to them the next week. It was pretty crazy. After lots of work, I finally finished with pretty good grades, surprisingly, and one incomplete. (I had to be there to do a presentation which he'll allow me to do next semester). I think what made it hard was the combination of stressful schoolwork, Preston and I being apart, and spending the majority of the day at the hospital. I was pretty emotional, no thanks to the hormones, and really struggled at times. My parent's and Preston's parents were really helpful and everyone was really supportive.
Pretty much how it went down for a while was I would go to the hospital and do skin to skin with Carter and just hold him for a few hours, leave to eat, come back and repeat the process. I would also pump. and pump and pump and pump. It was seriously my life and I hated it. maybe I'm just a baby but it hurts! Carter couldn't nurse because he was too early to have developed the suck, swallow, breathe pattern. We would work on nursing whenever he would cue or seemed hungry. He eventually got better and would nurse a couple times a day, then would have some drawbacks and get tired out. They said it's like a marathon for him. He was also in an incubator for the first little bit while he was kept warm until he could regulate his temperature. In the beginning he had an IV in his little head with an antibiotic in case of possible infection. He would get poked and tested for this and that. He was a little jaundiced at one point so he had to be under bilirubin lights. I hated that time because it was a lot harder to hold him and do skin to skin because he needed to be under the lights. Finally his bilirubin levels went back down and he could come off the lights. He was hooked up to monitors thatr would beep constantly if his heart rate, oxygen or respiratory rate dropped or elevated. We got used to it and learned that sometimes it happens and it's not a big deal. It might have been any little thing that babies normally do like have a little reflux or hold their breath for a second while they stretch. He didn't have to be on oxygen in the beginning because he did fine on room air. Only once in the beginning he was given caffeine because of an apnea spell he had. One day after a couple weeks, I think, we came in and he was out of the incubator and in a little crib all dressed up in a little outfit and wrapped in a swaddler thing! It was so crazy! Every little tiny accomplishment was always so exciting. It started to get a lot easier because we didn't have to have the nurses in there all the time to help get him and and stuff. Plus he was so so tiny he was hard to hold in the beginning!
I loved when Preston would come back on the weekends. It seemed to make everything so much easier. I missed him so much when he was away! The last week of the 3 he was up north was the scariest.

First time out of the incubator!

Love this one.

On monday the I don't know what date, (the monday of finals week) One of Carter's Drs called me on the phone and told me they measured his head circumference and it had increased a lot and was in the 86th percentile or something. They ordered a head ultrasound and it showed that his ventricles were enlarged due to excess cerebral spinal fluid build up. There was also some bleeding in the ventricles. he told me he was going to have an MRI that day that would tell us more. It just so happened that I was having a horrible day that day anyways. Preston had left and I was super hormonal and emotional and stressed because of school and insurance and bills and random things we had to get done that I didn't think I could. I went to the hospital and Carter was having his head ultrasound and his room was now being shared so it was totally crowded and there was no privacy. It made me more stressed and after an hour or more I left so I could get some homework done. I was pretty much a wreck already and little did I know I could become one even more so. I think on the way home I called preston and vented and sobbed and he listened and comforted like the amazing husband he is. I felt a little better after the little meltdown, until I got the call. After he told me all that I just started sobbing again. I didn't want preston to freak out because he was gone and taking tests but I called him anyway because I'm a bad wife and he probably failed his test that day.. sorry babe. Right before the MRI I called and told him what was happening, the very little that I knew. He just started to sob. It was the most horrible, helpless feeling. He said, "I don't want to be here anymore." I also probably made it sound a lot more scary because I didn't have all the info. Then he went and took his first final. Poor guy.
The MRI results showed that pretty much, There was hemorrhaging from his choroid plexus (where spinal fluid is made) and the blood buildup must be blocking the fluid from draining and recirculating through his body. It was causing his brain to swell and could possibly lead to brain damage because of the increasing pressure. Baby's brains are pretty malleable I guess you could say, since they're scull plates overlap and such when they're going through the birth canal. As they get older they stop moving around. My point being, it's good that his skull was able to separate at the sutures still otherwise there would be brain damage. Instead, his sutures felt far apart. We decided that pretty much the next step was to wait. If it got worse, he would have to be transferred to primary childrens and have surgery. (A shunt put in that drains it through a tube into his intestines, or a reservoir to drain the fluid into and remove it with a needle or something) That say was so horrible. I've never felt like such a wreck in my life. I was so scared for my little baby I had just met and I wanted Preston with me. Through it all, my dad had the feeling that everything would be ok. That was really reassuring for me. My mom also had an impression that the answer was to hold a family fast. So both our families fasted for 24 hours and so many other prayed Carter. On tuesday I woke up and felt those prayers. I felt so much comfort and felt that it would be ok. Even if it didn't turn out the way we wanted, everything would still be ok. I know Heavenly Father hears our prayers and tests our faith to make us stronger. It's actually been a really great, humbling experience thus far. I've learned to rely on the Savior and draw strength through the atonement because there were so many times I knew I couldn't go on by myself. I know He was with me and still is.
One thing I really loved about this experience was that every time I left him there at the hospital, I would hold his little hand and pray with him. I would pray that angels would be there to watch over him while I was gone, and I know my prayers were answered because that's exactly what I felt! It was so calming and comforting and I knew he's be protected. I just know of our Heavenly Father's love for us and how he'll always watch over and protect us. And he sure loves his little ones, that's for sure.
Since then, We've measured his head and watched for signs of increased pressure such as bradycardia, lethargy, tightness or bulging in his fontanel (soft spot) and none of them came. His head size only increased a half a cm which is normal for growth, and his sutures came closer together. The ultrasound a week later showed that the ventricles were the same size if not smaller. It's really been amazing going through this trial and seeing all the love and support from people. Carter started to pick up nursing and one day they decided to bottle feed him and called to ask if it was ok because I wasn't there. I was kind of nervous to try because it's a lot easier and I didn't want him to not be able to breastfeed because he had to work for it. He already does this funny thing where he gets so impatient and frantic when the milk doesn't come out right away. He shakes his head and kinda burrow it in frantically and sometimes forgets to suck so he just waits there moving around and making frantic little cries. Sometimes I can't help but laugh because it's so funny an adorable. Other times it takes him longer to figure it out and I get really frantic as well.. Anyways, they said he's been doing well nursing so he shouldn't have a problem going back and forth. He downed the bottle and had been nursing and bottle feeding almost every time. They finally decided to let him go ad lib and just feed him whenever he woke up and cued. By this point, we were staying at the hospital so we could go down and feed him throughout the night. They let him room in with us one night to see how things went. It was crazy because that meant we were getting close to leaving! We had to rush to get a carseat so they could test it. It all went really fast the last couple days. All the sudden we were being discharged! Which was kind of a long, painful process.. He had to come home on oxygen because he's been having some desaturations since the brain thing. Not bad, but they just put him on a tiny tiny bit to help him out. So currently we carry around the baby, the oxygen tank, and the oximeter everywhere we go. It will be nice to just be able to carry the baby into the next room without the whole travel team. They particularly wanted to leave it on when he came up north because of the higher elevation.
Random side note, Christmas was very different this year indeed. they let him room in with us at the hospital. It was kind fun but kinda hard because he would wake up every 2-3 hours or so to eat. That's been the schedule since and it's a killer I'll have to say. We also had family dinner Christmas eve and did the family present opening christmas morning. It was sad not having carter there, but he came home shortly after! This is terrible, but preston andI didn't even get each other anything because of how frantic things were. Luckily we were on the same page and pretty much agreed that the baby was enough this year. I looked at the nativity sets and thought of the Christmas story a little differently as I could relate somewhat with mary and the love she had for her tiny baby. (I'm not by any means saying I'm like mary. not hardly good enough) I would see the baby Jesus and think, he was just a baby like Carter! A pure, perfect, innocent little being straight from God. This thought doesn't really make sense written out, I'm realizing, but it did in my head.. haha My point is, Christmas was a little more meaningful this year.
Merry Christmas and happy new year!

So adorable

I love these boys! Quick story, Preston and I walked around the temple a couple weeks ago, and I just was overcome with gratitude! I'm so grateful for Preston and his love, I'm so grateful for the opportunity to raise a precious little spirit, I'm grateful for the temple and I'm grateful for eternal families!